The afternoon that we lost Grace, the specialist came to talk to us. He said there was a very small chance we could save the second baby.
He said that our case was very unusual, because contractions hadn't started. Normally, when the water breaks, contractions will follow and this is what triggers both babies to be delivered. But I didn't have contractions delivering Grace and my body wasn't showing signs of delivering the second baby. The second baby had her own sac, so her water hadn't broken and the cervix had even closed up some. (It might be confusing, the idea of delivering a baby without contractions. My cervix had dialated to the same size as the babies, just 5 cm around, so contractions weren't necessary.)
How do you have in your heart one minute grieving the passing of your baby and in the next minute, feel like the second baby might come back to life? How do you get your head around what the doctor is saying, to make sense of it all, when you just want to lay in your bed and cry?
I pictured two buckets in my mind. They were red metal buckets. I put my guilt into the first red bucket and I put my grief for Grace in the second red bucket. I knew I would get back to them both, but for now I needed to focus on Sophia.
The specialist explained to us the option of a rescue cerclage. A regular cerclage was the surgery to stich up the cervix when it might dialate too early. This is done for women who are known to have a weak cervix and it is done early in the pregnancy. The regular cerclage was pretty common and it had a high success rate.
The rescue cerclage was different. This was done after the boundary between the uterus and the outside world had been violated. This was much less common because there was a high risk of serious infection and because it was unlikely to be successful in prolonging the pregnancy long enough to have a healthy baby. Most cases involved bulging membranes past the cervix, but it was even more rare for it to be done when one baby had already been delivered.
We didn't know how to figure this out. On the one hand, if there was a chance, no matter how small, to save Sophia, of coarse we would do it. But on the other hand, it had a very small chance of actually working and a pretty good chance of causing severe medical complications for me. The specialist gave examples of women who had hysterectomies and another women whose infection got into her bloodstream and had to have two fingers and part of one foot amputated.
Besides that, we needed to decide in the next day or two, because the specialist didn't want more time to pass when bacteria could get from the outside world into the uterus, then get trapped inside when the surgery is done.
We couldn't decide that night, it was too much.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Friday, April 6, 2007
Day 2 - The Waiting - March 30
I don't remember much about this day, I just don't remember. It was just Sean and me, I didn't want anyone else. My water broke late in the day. They expected contractions to start, but they didn't. We waited.
Day 1 - Getting the News - March 29
We were in denial for as long as possible. My husband and I were at my ob/gyn's office for an appointment to check on a "concern," that is what they called it. I got into position in the stirrups and the doctor took a look. He is usually laid back and conversational, but now he was direct and medical. "Cervix dialated, membranes exposed," and the nurse wrote down what he said in my chart. "What does that mean?," I asked.
He said that my cervix had dialated early and we were going to treat this very aggressively. He would check me into the hospital right away. I asked how they handle this and he said he couldn't say what would happen. But he did say that sometimes they can push the membranes back and stich up the cervix, which seemed to make a lot of sense.
I told him I had brought a list of questions with me, so I asked something about how short term disability works and he answered, but I got the sense that this was not the right time, so I said "Maybe we should take care of this other thing first" and he said "Yes, let's do that."
Then the nurse got a wheelchair to push me to the hospital, which I thought was odd, because the hospital was in the same parking lot, just the next building over, how odd that I should need a wheelchair, but this is probably one of those standard procedures.
When the nurse wheeled me outside the exam room, I saw the nurse's assistant, she was super sweet, she knew how long we tried to get pregnant and how excited we were about having twins and she was crying, and I thought, how odd, she must be crying for someone else's baby.
The brought me to what looked like a pretty serious hospital room with lots of equipment. A hospital nurse got my information and gave me some forms to sign, one that gave them permission to deliver my babies by vaginal delivery or C-section. I asked that that was for and she said it was standard for people admitted to the labor and delivery ICU, that if something serious happened, they needed to have this permission on file. Then got me into a hospital gown and started an IV.
My husband and I were still having pretty normal conversations. You see, we figured that if something was really wrong, then they would stitch me up and it would be scary, but not that big a deal. We talked about if Sean would still go to an appointment he had that afternoon and I asked the nurses if I should expect to miss one or two days from work.
Then the specialist came in and he did a sonogram to see the babies. I could see right away that there was something wrong with the picture, something very wrong. One of our babies was head down, past the cervix and into the birth canal.
All of the reality of the situation hit us in the next 60 seconds or so. It was too late to stitch up the cervix. It was too late to stop the delivery. Once my water broke, contractions would follow and the body's natural birthing process would deliver both babies. Nothing could be done. It was just a matter of time.
He said that my cervix had dialated early and we were going to treat this very aggressively. He would check me into the hospital right away. I asked how they handle this and he said he couldn't say what would happen. But he did say that sometimes they can push the membranes back and stich up the cervix, which seemed to make a lot of sense.
I told him I had brought a list of questions with me, so I asked something about how short term disability works and he answered, but I got the sense that this was not the right time, so I said "Maybe we should take care of this other thing first" and he said "Yes, let's do that."
Then the nurse got a wheelchair to push me to the hospital, which I thought was odd, because the hospital was in the same parking lot, just the next building over, how odd that I should need a wheelchair, but this is probably one of those standard procedures.
When the nurse wheeled me outside the exam room, I saw the nurse's assistant, she was super sweet, she knew how long we tried to get pregnant and how excited we were about having twins and she was crying, and I thought, how odd, she must be crying for someone else's baby.
The brought me to what looked like a pretty serious hospital room with lots of equipment. A hospital nurse got my information and gave me some forms to sign, one that gave them permission to deliver my babies by vaginal delivery or C-section. I asked that that was for and she said it was standard for people admitted to the labor and delivery ICU, that if something serious happened, they needed to have this permission on file. Then got me into a hospital gown and started an IV.
My husband and I were still having pretty normal conversations. You see, we figured that if something was really wrong, then they would stitch me up and it would be scary, but not that big a deal. We talked about if Sean would still go to an appointment he had that afternoon and I asked the nurses if I should expect to miss one or two days from work.
Then the specialist came in and he did a sonogram to see the babies. I could see right away that there was something wrong with the picture, something very wrong. One of our babies was head down, past the cervix and into the birth canal.
All of the reality of the situation hit us in the next 60 seconds or so. It was too late to stitch up the cervix. It was too late to stop the delivery. Once my water broke, contractions would follow and the body's natural birthing process would deliver both babies. Nothing could be done. It was just a matter of time.
Day 0 - Early Warning Signs - March
Day 0 are the days leading up to Day 1, when we found out something was wrong with our twins. I can't write the detail for Day 0 because, looking back, I feel like I had so many chances to save Grace. Like when I was reading the funny pregnancy books instead of serious ones about early warning signs, like when I had symptoms and didn't call the doctor, like when something happened and I finally called the doctor, leaving a message instead of going to the hospital. I would never have done anything to hurt her, but if I had done things differently, she would still be here. I don't know how I'll ever be all right with that.
Day 3, Part I - Loosing Grace - Saturday, March 31, 2007
Grace was born at 10:45 am. I was so scared to see her. I was scared to see how small she would be and scared I would break if I held her in my arms. I was only 5 months pregnant when Grace was born.
She was beautiful. She had a perfect face and a cute little nose. She had ten fingers and ten toes. She weighed 8 ounces and was 9 inches long. She was our baby girl.
My husband and I talked to Grace and told her we loved her. I told her I was sorry I didn't take better care of her.
Grace was with us for over an hour. My parents and brother held Grace, they thought she was beautiful too. They rocked her and talked to her. We took pictures to help us remember her. Then I held her until she passed away.
She was beautiful. She had a perfect face and a cute little nose. She had ten fingers and ten toes. She weighed 8 ounces and was 9 inches long. She was our baby girl.
My husband and I talked to Grace and told her we loved her. I told her I was sorry I didn't take better care of her.
Grace was with us for over an hour. My parents and brother held Grace, they thought she was beautiful too. They rocked her and talked to her. We took pictures to help us remember her. Then I held her until she passed away.
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